Why You Need to Talk to Yourself
Mar 19, 2024
Written by: Joe Jardine
"We need to stop listening to ourselves, and start talking to ourselves." That's something Kristin said on a podcast episode that dropped last Wednesday and it's been in my head ever since.
How many times a day do you talk to yourself? If you're like most people, the answer is probably "a lot." We are constantly talking to ourselves in our heads, and for the most part, we are unaware of it. We often believe what we say to ourselves without questioning it. This can be dangerous because our thoughts and feelings can lie to us. We need to learn to stop listening to ourselves and start talking to ourselves. Only then will we take control over our thought life and decide what we allow to control our headspace.
The voices in our heads
However conscious you are of the voices in your head, we all have two. One is what we like to call "the inner coach," and the other is "the inner critic." The inner coach is that voice that cheers you on, believes in you, and tells you that you can do it. The inner critic is the one that puts you down, tells you that you're not good enough, and tries to keep you from taking risks.
The inner critic always speaks in sentences that start with "I can't," and "I won't." On the other hand, the inner coach speaks in sentences that begin with "I can," and "I will."
The inner coach is the one we want to listen to, but all too often, we allow the inner critic to control our headspace. We need to learn to drown out the negative voice and listen to the positive one.
How to develop a healthy inner dialogue
The 2021 Disney Pixar film Luca follows two sea creatures. Luca is cautious, but his best friend Alberto has a taste for adventure. When Luca is battling fear in one instance, Alberto tells him to name his fear "Bruno."
When fear starts to come up, you just yell "Silencio, Bruno!" and tell your fear to be quiet.
Even though it's a kids' movie, the technique works!
Identifying that you have an inner critic takes away some of its power. When you can label your fear or anxiety, it becomes less daunting and more manageable.
It gives you a frame of reference for what's going on in your mind.
Here are a few ways to resist your inner critic and embrace your inner coach:
- Acknowledge your inner critic. Don't try to ignore it or push it away. That will only make it louder. Instead, acknowledge it and thank it for its input.
- Reframe your inner dialogue. When you find yourself talking to yourself in a negative way, stop and reframe the conversation. For example, instead of saying "I'm such an idiot," say "Everyone makes mistakes."
- Practice self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself. Cut yourself some slack. We all screw up sometimes.
- Focus on your successes. When you catch yourself dwelling on your failures, focus on your successes instead. Make a list of all the things you've accomplished, no matter how small they may seem.
Talking to yourself
So what do we do when the conversation in our mind starts to lie? It's simple.
You get to decide which voice you're going to agree with: your inner coach, or your inner critic.
When your inner critic starts to tell you what you're not or what you can't do, that's your cue to team up with your inner coach. Start telling yourself who you are. Start telling yourself what you can do, and what you do have.
At the moment though, it can be difficult to switch from the inner critic to the inner coach. That's why it's important to have a daily practice of talking to yourself in a positive way.
It doesn't matter if you do it in the shower, in the car, or before you go to bed. Just find a few minutes each day to tell yourself something good. I'm sure it's no surprise, but we recommend journaling.
We went into more detail in this blog post on the format we recommend for journaling.
Final thoughts
Our thoughts and feelings can lie to us, so we need to learn to stop listening to ourselves, and start talking to ourselves. We need to take control over our thought life and decide what we allow to control our headspace.
The first step is acknowledging that you have an inner critic. The second step is recognizing when it's talking. The third step is to start talking back to yourself in a positive way.
It takes practice, but eventually, you'll be able to drown out the negative voice and only hear the positive one. And when that happens, you'll be amazed at what you're capable of.
Take some time and listen to the whole podcast (Perfectionism, Dollywood, and Eskimos Pt. 1) here.
Do you struggle with anxiety in ways you can no longer handle?
You can't keep track of the number of panic attacks you've had this week. You feel like you're drowning all the time and the only thing that can stop the feeling is sleep. So you try to sleep, but your racing thoughts keep you awake. And when you finally do fall into slumber, it doesn't take long before you're awake again and that drowning feeling returns. You're lucky if you have a minute of calm before the storm hits again.
